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A good relationship is important.
You may feel angry and disappointed over what has happened, and you may be furious at being put in a position where you feel you must intervene. But remember that a good relationship with your son or daughter is the most important factor in preventing harm, so don't make matters worse by going over the top. Let the young person know you are angry or disappointed, but don't escalate the crisis too much.
Take care of yourself first.
In the emergency drill on an aeroplane they remind you to put on your own oxygen mask first, before you help your children to put on theirs. The same applies here. Talk to other adults; consult friends; contact us.
What drug?
From your tip-off or observations, do you know what drug(s) are involved? Don't overlook the involvement of alcohol, which causes more teenage problems than most other drugs. See our signs and symptoms section.
What harm?
This is important. Has any harm happened to your son or daughter recently? It doesn't matter whether harm is caused by the drug use or not. We want to prevent harm, whatever the cause.
When a person uses drugs, there is often a honeymoon period during which the drug use causes little or no visible harm. It is easier to intervene when there is visible harm to focus on.
What age?
As young people grow in age from 8 to 18, they also grow in independence and we hope that they grow in responsibility too. At 14 or 15, some are still quite biddable and will generally do what we ask or tell them to do. At the same age, others are quite independent, wanting as much freedom as an 18 year old.
Many young people will be offered an illegal drug sooner or later, and parents will not be present when this happens.
When a young person is 8 or 12 years of age, the parents bear a lot of responsibility for knowing where they are, keeping an eye on them, preserving them from harm. As the young person grows in independence, we have to remind them that they have to take responsibility for their own future, for their well-being and safety. If somebody offers them a drug, they (and not the parents) have to take responsibility for their response.
You know best.
Intervention can take a variety of styles, and you must choose which is right for you.
Intervention.
Four elements in a successful intervention:
Indicate your care and concern.
Stick to facts: Keep your focus on visible facts, such as drugs found, poor reports from school or work, weight loss etc.
Hold the young person responsible for their own choices. Remind them that you cannot rescue them from harm that they bring on themselves, whether it is caused by drug use or not. Clearly state your own expectations, such as that they remain drug-free, that they get up on time, that they avoid bad language, etc.
Offer support or sanctions. Offer the young person as much support as they need, if they are making an effort to change their behaviour for the better. Clearly state what you will do if they do not change their behaviour. You yourself must decide what sanctions are appropriate, if any.
Please note that as a parent, you cannot "make" a son or daughter change their behaviour. You cannot "make" a young person not take drugs (once they have reached independence). Each person controls their own behaviour.
If the person changes the behaviour, you should acknowledge this and give credit where it is due. However it is important to recognise that the person may choose not to change, in which case you must choose what you yourself will do next.
Seek help.
Children do not come supplied with an "owner's manual". In any case, most people do not read instruction manuals. In relation to children and drugs, however, parents are well advised to ask for help. You have made a start by looking at this website. For further help contact Moray Drug and Alcohol Services on 01343 552211.
2. For Parents when a son or daughter has a PROBLEM arising from drug use.
First, attend to YOUR OWN NEEDS. The first 4 points are about YOU.
Don't Panic.
Many parents have survived drug-use by a son or daughter. A moment of crisis can become a turning-point for the better.
Get your own feet on solid ground.
If you want to help someone in a swamp or a bog, you have to have your own feet on solid ground. Families often get drawn in to the "swamp" of a drug misuser. Talk to other people before you tackle the drug user, so that you are clear and reasonably calm.
Understand your powerlessness and your power.
A.A. and Al Anon teach us that we are "powerless" to stop an alcoholic from drinking.
There is nothing that an adult can say or do that is guaranteed to "make" the young person never use an illegal drug, even if that person is our son or daughter. No adult can be expected to watch over a 16 or 18 year old all day long. Parents can sometimes spend long sleepless nights searching in their heads for a magic formula that will make the young person change, but unfortunately this search is in vain.
Our power lies in being able to take responsibility for what we ourselves do. For example:
We can consult friends, family members or counsellors.
We can with-hold pocket money or other privileges.
If there are serious threats of violence, we can involve the Gardaí.
We can still make plans for a holiday for the family.
Take care of the family.
Parents of a drug user often find themselves disagreeing with their partner or spouse, and tending to blame the partner. Two heads are much better than one. If you and your partner have different approaches, that's great. Each approach will have its own value in its own time.
Trust your instincts.
If you suspect the young person of using drugs, you have either seen or heard something that has tipped you off. You don't have to disclose your source of information!
Don't ignore the drug use.
If the young person put muddy feet on a good chair, you wouldn't ignore it, so why ignore it if the person uses a drug?
Carefully consider the outcomes.
Ask yourself (and your partner, if you have one): what outcome do we want? Probably you want your son or daughter to become a self-managing, happy, healthy, responsible human being, and you desperately hope that he or she will not ruin their own life or anybody else's by using drugs.
Don't waste time looking for confessions of "guilt".
Most young drug users will not readily admit their drug use to a parent. But this does not matter. Even without that certainty, there is a lot you can do.
Preparation for Intervention
Choose your time to talk to the young person about your concerns. It may help to have another person or two present, to avoid angry outbursts.
Prepare well
Talk to other adults, perhaps phone a counsellor, meet anyone else who will be present.
Focus on the visible harm.
You can't usually tell whether a person has taken a drug or not, so focus on the visible harmful effects, such as poor exam results, not getting up in the morning, strange phone calls, undesirable friends, strange smells, mood swings, law-breaking, unacceptable language. Make a list of these in advance, if it helps you.
The Intervention meeting
This is subtle. You don't try to change the other person (the drug user). You leave them responsible for their own choices. But you clearly spell out...
(a) the harm that you see happening as a result of what they are doing and
(b) what you will choose to do if they carry on as before.
Tell the young person why you are concerned, focusing on the visible harm.
Remind him or her of your love, and that you want to help him/her to be happy and well.
Talk about your fear that the harmful effects may be caused by drug use.
Remind him (or her) that you can not and will not assume responsibility for keeping him out of trouble and free from drugs. This is his/her responsibility.
Indicate what is unacceptable to you and clearly spell out what you will do if the unacceptable behaviour continues. (You need to think about this in advance).
Say that if s/he needs help to change the unacceptable or harmful behaviours, you will provide all the support you can, as long as the young person too is making an effort.
3. After the intervention
Be prepared to be tested; stick to your promises.
Don't "enable" or make it easy for the person to go on using drugs by rescuing them, giving them money, paying off debts, making excuses for them, covering up for them, etc.